Willow Slmssc (slmssc) wrote,
Willow Slmssc
slmssc

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thoughts

I thought that I would be going nuts by not working by now.  I've never taken 2 weeks off work since I was 19 or 20.  I'm just not used to sitting still.  But I think I enjoy this mothering thing.  True it's frusterating that if I start something she seems to know and wake up, but it's nice being with her - and she does keep me busy and my mind occupied.  I say all this as I get the joy of her sleeping on my chest.  And also of equal importance is the fact that I like getting to see my husband every evening!  Makes me dread the end of April/May, but I can't get over the thought that I just shouldn't quit my job because 1) teachers jobs just aren't secure and we don't know 100% what is going on with my husband's job and 2) my insurance.  

Course the one thing I miss about my job right now is the people up there.  I really truely miss talking/being around them.  I wish I felt secure enough in my connection to them to just call them up and say "hey".  But most of them are a lot older than me (most are old enough to be a parent to me or at least an older sibling), and I don't have their phone numbers anyway - or I do, but it's on the computer at work.  And although I've gone out to eat before with them, I just don't have that kinda relationship where we hang out outside of work.

Makes me wonder why I'm somehow unable to form relationships like that.  I get along with work people (and have in most of my jobs, although never to the extent of this job), but never allow myself to get to know them outside of work.  I always come up with excuses - like they have their own lives, etc.  Or maybe it is because I'm always older (in fast food jobs) or way younger (like in my current job) then everyone else working there.  I'm friends with my husband's friends, but think it would be weird for me to hang out with them when he's not around....after all they are all guys.  There is only one that I would feel mildly comfortable hanging out with alone (and have in some circumstances), but on a general basis assume that I shouldn't hang out with him alone.  And I have one female friend who I'm close to, but not as close as we once were....part of me regrets that - and part of me thinks it was part of growing up.  We will always have a better connection than I will with anyone else, but it isn't as good as it was.  I'm just lucky her girlfriend has never felt jealous of me.  Really my husband is my closest friend and the only one I hang out with.  This is a good thing, but when he is not around (like this weekend) I get lonely.  Course I have 4 cats and a daughter to talk to now.  I'm also close to my sisters and my mom....

I just wonder if I should try to find others to be close too...but can't ever bring myself to trust someone that well.  I've been searching the internet on myspace and have been thinking about 'reconnecting' with some old friends, but wonder if it's worth the trouble.  Mainly because I tried to hard to keep in touch with them, but finally gave up when they never tried....and all I see coming out of trying any reconnections is the same thing happening.  So should I give them one more chance since we are all older?  I dunno - these people seem so different from when we were in high school.  I probably am different too...although I don't feel it.  I'm more firm on what I believe and less willing to get run over by someone else...and I suppose that would probably annoy people.  And I did stay with what I was criticized for in high school - my husband.  For some reason most people felt like we were not good together...I never believed it and I like the outcome of my stubborn-ness.  We both have degrees we like and tried hard for.  I'm in a good job and he is in the job he has wanted to do since before I knew him...and we have a family.  He has been in my life in some of the roughest times I will probably ever have...so yea, I think I was right in high school when I stuck with him, and I think it still baffles some people on why we are still together.

You can probably blame this entry on music - was listening to some songs I have forgotten about that bring back memories.  I really should have started listening to country again....I like a lot of it.  Oh, and the reason it is on is because we have been trying to drown out the noise of the bilirubin light and you can only get about 4 radio stations in Crockett - all being country...or one npr station, which is occasionally ok but sometimes annoying.

Well, I need to change my daughter - feed the cats and shut things down.  So 'night.

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